dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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