i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
