So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
