Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
