i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
