I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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