first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
