In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
