just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
