I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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