A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
