How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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