three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
