My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize