I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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