Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
