went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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