I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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