I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
