Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
