dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
