My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
