And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
