i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
