Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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