6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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