We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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