Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize