I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
