Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
