yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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