White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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