Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
