suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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