I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
