Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
