I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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