don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
