My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She tied me up with her honor cords...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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