just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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