my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
