I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize