He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
