Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
