whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
