With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize