So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
