I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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