somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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