You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
