you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize