FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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