I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
