Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
