You just made me feel so damn special
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
