my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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