do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
