Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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