apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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